Shocker, Eek, blush, I’m getting comments. People are actually reading what I’m writing!
(Yeah….? Aah, isn’t that the point?)
I realize that the point of blogging is to get your name out there, get your POV out there, etc. But when someone actually acknowledges that they’ve read what I’ve written and liked it? Well, that’s when the scared part of me starts to rise up and go “oops, this is really happening, now what?” Suddenly, I’m enveloped in this panic mode with thoughts of “oh no, people might actually get to know the real me, do I really want this to happen?” The shy part of me wants to draw back, close up, walk away. As you might have guessed, I’m an intensely private person. Blogging means revealing part of who I am and how I think. It also means I need to be open to criticism.
In some ways, I’m used to criticism. I’ve often received intense criticism for who I am and what I believe. My biggest flaw (I think) is my tendency to give flippant answers to questions that I perceive have obvious answers. I also tend to jump forward into a conversation and be three steps ahead of everyone else; or embarrassingly, I’m three steps behind because I can’t figure out the point of the subject matter. I get stuck on points and mull them over while everyone else has moved on. I’m rarely in sync with conversations. People get lost around me. I get lost around people.
I do better with writing. It’s easier than speaking. Although, if I have notes in front of me, I can speak very well in front of a crowd. I just don’t do so well in small groups. It’s too intimate, too personal. I feel singled out, too obvious, too noticeable. Writing lets me pull out my real thoughts and feelings. I get to say what I want to say before anyone has the opportunity to stop me, and before I forget what I was going to say. I do that a lot. Forget what I want to say. It’s part of getting older, or so I’ve been told.
When it comes to criticism, I’m sensitive. I take things personal, way too personal. I’m guessing that suffering silently through many intensely difficult and painful periods has made me that way. Maybe that’s why when I have a “God encounter”, I also take that personal… extremely personal. There have been times I’ve experienced that God likes me, he really really likes me. Because he does some really cool things to bless me at the oddest times. Then I notice that sometimes he really blesses those that I like or love, and that’s really cool too. Everyone deserves to be blessed, especially those who have experienced a lot of suffering.
But now, I am starting to write about me. And people are starting to read. And all of a sudden I feel like I’m in the center of a small group. Are you going to discover too much about me, and not like me? If I start sharing about my “God encounters”, will you applaud, or criticize? Either way, that’s ok. I’m going to be ok.
What about you? When was the last time you sat down and wrote down your feelings? Tell me about your pain and suffering. Tell me about your God encounters. I would love to hear your stories.
Today I pray: “God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen. (Reinhold Niebuhr)